The average adult has an active vocabulary of 20,000 different words. Because it’s much smaller than the words available to us, it presents us with key choices as we are formulating our thoughts. The words you choose have great power to alter your mindset (even making deep neural connections in your brain) as well as the mindset of others. We know this, which is why we can be so careful with our word choices in conversations and written communications. However, what is commonly overlooked in this careful selection of key words? The small and simple words. Time and time again I’ve observed leaders, colleagues, friends, family and countless others completely shift the dynamic of a conversation (and ultimately the result) based on the inclusion or absence of these tiny yet impactful words. Let’s explore 5 itty bitty words that have enormous impact on you and others.
1. And (This word is so powerful, there are 2 different contexts in which we can use it.)
“And” vs “Or.” The first greatly impacts our self-talk and therefore, our actions and our life. At work and at home, in our brain’s attempt to simplify all the stimuli competing for our attention, we have to make choices. We get caught up in “Or” thinking.
“I can be a good parent OR I can make time for myself.”
“I can be a productive worker OR I can build relationships and connect with people in the office.”
“I can hit that project deadline OR I can attend this important leadership training class.”
The “Or” presents itself as a choice, where we have to sacrifice one goal in order to achieve another. This “or” sneaks into our thoughts and self-talk without even realizing it. This, in turn, greatly impacts our actions and decisions. Challenge yourself to move away from mutually exclusive thinking, and seize the power of the “and” to open up new possibilities on how you can achieve both of your goals.
“I can be a good parent AND I can make time for myself.“ That’s possible, right? Adding the “and” allows you to venture towards a different path of exploration. You’ll find yourself discovering all the ways that making time for you CAN fit in, and how it actually can support your goals of showing up as a better (and more relaxed) parent.
“I can be a productive worker AND I can build relationships and connect with other people in the office.“The addition of the “and” opens up new possibilities to balance, as well as discover how solid working relationships at work can actually help you do your work better and faster.
“I can hit that project deadline AND I can attend this important leadership training class.” This opens up creative ideas for how to make them both happen, something important for your effectiveness and efficiency in the short-term and long-term.
Where do you find yourself caught up in “OR” thinking?
“And” vs “But”. The word “but” is an acceptable word, but 75% of the time the word “and” could be substituted to have a dramatically different effect on the conversation.
“I agree with you on that point, but there’s more detail behind it that we need to discuss.”
What’s your immediate reaction? “But” is a trigger word that not only discounts everything you said before it (i.e. I actually don’t agree with you on that point), it triggers defense or defensiveness, a counterargument, or a feeling that you are being challenged or disagreed with by the other person even when they aren’t. Whatever words you say after the “but” are being heard by the recipient’s survival brain (fight or flight) and the conversation will immediately turn unproductive, and potentially emotional or personal. Instead of “But” insert “and.”
“I agree with you on that point, and there’s more detail behind it that we need to discuss.”
Do you FEEL the difference? The “and” builds on what the person said versus sending a signal that you disagree or are discounting what was said. You might actually not agree and you can still use “and.” See what I just did there? I used “and” instead of “but.” If I had written “you might actually not agree but you can still use ‘and’” you might be gearing up for a counterargument. By the way, it is true…you can use “and” even if you don’t fully agree with what was said.
2. If
The Boss says “this project is becoming a pointless effort. It’s not delivering the value we need, in the time we need it.”
Ouch. You’ve put so much time and energy into this project. And you do think it’s on the way to some pretty amazing results. It’s natural to respond with a defense or argument. Leverage this powerful 2 letter word to change the direction and tone of the conversation. Add the “If” followed by an exploratory question.
You respond, “If the project is not delivering value, I definitely wouldn’t want to keep putting efforts towards it. In what areas are you seeing it miss critical targets?”
With this simple and powerful word as your opener, you’ve given yourself and The Boss the freedom to go deeper to explore the issue, and you gave yourself the space to not agree or disagree with The Boss’ opinion. Rather than the conversation becoming a debate, the “If” followed by an exploring question positioned this conversation for reaching mutual understanding. You explore The Boss’s point of view, and then you certainly have a chance to explore yours. The “If” gives you permission to listen first. Now, both of you are open and able to have a productive conversation that could have gone entirely the wrong direction without that simple word.
3. Yet
“Yet” is a word can have a significantly positive impact on our self-talk, and therefore, our confidence, competence, learning agility and ultimately, action.
Imagine you are struggling with a big project you are working on. Self-defeating mindsets will start to kick in as we are learning or struggling. In your head, you are saying, “I’m not getting this” or “This doesn’t make sense.” These are defeating thoughts that create a self-fulfilling prophecy and close the mind up to actually learning. They get us deeper into the quagmire and ensure additional difficulty in getting unstuck. Adopt a growth mindset by adding the word “yet”.
“I’m not getting this, yet.”
The addition of the word “yet” in your self-talk relaxes, calms, and acknowledges reality without admitting defeat. It tells your brain that you will, in fact, get it at some point. Exactly the message you want to tell your brain. Now you keep your brain open to take action and get past the struggle. Try it and see how it impacts your emotions, confidence, and ability to push past situations that might normally get you stuck.
4. Will
We give ourselves a lot of outs. We speak in language that doesn’t fully commit us to action because commitment is scary.
“I’ll try to go to the gym tomorrow.”
“I’ll get that to you Thursday.”
“Try” and “I’ll” (which this contraction prevents us from hearing the “will” in our brains) are non-committal and create opportunity and permission for us to not follow through. It sets the stage in our brain for the efforts we’ll put forth, which are far less than if we said “I will.” If you really want to do something, say “I will.”
“I will go to the gym tomorrow.”
“I will get that to you Thursday.”
Say it out loud, do you see the difference? As soon as it’s time to go to the gym, say it out loud again. “I will go to the gym now.” This simple word creates an internal discomfort that can only be satisfied by doing what we said we will do. If you truly want your brain to turn to action, use “will” in your language to more powerfully establish your intentions and see the difference it makes for you.
5. Thanks
We’ve heard this before, especially with women, the tendency to over apologize.
“Sorry for being late.”
“Sorry for all the questions.”
We even apologize for things we can’t control, like the weather! This creates a narrative that you are messing up, and makes any annoyance or discomfort connected to who? You. It also may create a feeling of annoyance that wasn’t there to begin with until you created that narrative.
Use the opportunity to insert “thanks” or “thank you” and make it about them in a very positive manner that shows your appreciation for them.
“Thanks being so thorough in answering all my questions.”
“Thanks for waiting for me.”
“Thanks for staying positive and making it a fun rainy day.”
“Thanks” versus “Sorry” shifts the conversation to a positive interaction that makes others feel good. Now, of course when a true apology is in order, that’s always the best approach.
Change your words, change your life.
Mindsets impact our feelings, which in turn impact our behaviors. By using these simply powerful words you can shift your and others mindsets to one that is collaborative, positive, and gets results. Try it and let me know how it works for you.